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Caleb

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April 7th, 2009

02:40 pm: Anyone who laughs is a communist
Haven't been on here in forever...apparently no one else either. haha well, what's new...what's new what's new.

I got a haircut, and she did a very good job. It would have been nice if she didn't jam the electric razor into the back of my neck, but hey. At least it looks nice.

We have new people at work, most of them seem cool. One girl didn't even show up for her first day, cuz' she quit. Waste of time, she was.

I need one more actor, and we can start shooting Death Note, and I am beyond excited. The website construction has suffered a little obstacle, so it won't be up as quickly as I'd hoped. But I decided to start shooting asap regardless of the website status, rather than wait for the website to be up for a while before shooting. I figured if the site was up with a brief summary of what to expect and a big "Coming Soon" banner, it'd attract attention through word of mouth on the net while we shoot. But change of plans, right? Go with the flow, whatever gets this off the Notepad app and into live film. :) I've got my debt under control too, which is a relief.

Tia started watching Shippuuden, and she loves it. Good thing too, cuz that means more hanging out time before I move out. :D She went to State for her monologues, duo and group musical, and showcased in duo and group! She was pretty thrilled, despite coming home with a cold.

I finally got X-Box Live, after knocking our internet speed back to the stone age with my first attempt. It was more expensive, but it didn't do further damage to the computer and it was hella easy. Now if I could just figure out how to stream stuff on the computer through the 360 I'd be in business...

I need either a new job or a second job by summer. Seriously. Been here too long. If I'm still there by the time Transformers 2 comes out, I'm gonna blow my brains out.

The last couple of days have been really awesome weather-wise, it's really unbelievable. I hope it stays like this all summer long. :P

I've been having really effed up dreams. Some are more depressing then others, but none of them are too happy, and they're all confusing. Maybe I should get to bed sooner in the next couple of days.

Current Mood: tiredtired
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March 25th, 2009

05:59 pm: Cat Shit One


Current Mood: amusedamused

March 2nd, 2009

01:16 pm: "Legend" my ass
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak
Starring Kristin Kreuk, Neal McDonough, Chris Klein, Michael Clarke Duncan, Taboo, Moon Bloodgood
Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence and martial arts action, and some sensuality

Synopsis:
Who gives a shit.


Review:
I thought I had seen it all. Potatoes chips being eaten to opera, tap dancing on DDR, and an eagle throwing a goat. I don't claim to know everything. But I know what's right and wrong. And what is wrong in the world today was somehow managed to be compressed into a 95 minute shit storm. More commonly known as, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.

Those who stand for anti-gun laws may find a new enemy in this newest videogame rape to hit the silver screen. I say this because it's so bad, it just might inspire Congress to legalize guns in movie theaters so you can blow your brains out. Like a failed offspring sullying its family name, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li's only success is in lowering the expectations of videogame movies even lower, which previously was thought to be impossible. It's definitely not the movie Street Fighter fans have been clamoring for, but maybe that's because Street Fighter fans haven't really been clamoring for a movie.

The story, or some resemblance thereof, is based around the character Chun-Li from the videogame Street Fighter. And already, off on the wrong foot. Some people jump to conclusions and assume that I meant the gender part, when actually the problem is the character itself. Chun-Li has no backstory, she's a detective tracking down an underground criminal known as Bison. That's all, and if it weren't for her investigation, we would have never met the main characters of the franchise, Ryu and Ken. Making a movie about Chun-Li is almost like making a movie about Pac-Man, that's how little a story there was to begin with. So why is there a story at all in THIS movie?

Well, as the movie plods along, we find out that this Chun-Li is actually a musician, and she's tracking down Bison for killing her dad. It was at this moment, that I realized just how bad this movie was going to be, which is ironic, because I had that same realization every 5 minutes. 95 minute running time / 5 minutes = 19 ball-busting realizations! There should be a health warning before the movie starts.

So not only is Chun-Li cast wrong, but so is Bison, the main villain. Instead of a GIGANTIC lumbering man with psychic abilities, he's a teeny little guy who barely fights at all, and is apparently Irish now. If you're still reading at this point, let me tell you, it's a lot harder to watch this thing in motion.

The movie then introduces Michael Clark Duncan as Balrog, who unlike the rest of his cast, physically fits the role of Bison's bodyguard. The writers decided to have him in the back of the production unfortunately, as he shows up only to beat the crap out of the good guys. Bison's other bodyguard is the polar opposite: Not well casted OR portrayed, and given more screentime than (this version of) the character deserves. I am of course talking about Vega. This version of Vega is the middle finger to fans of the game. In the game, Vega was a tall blond Spaniard, who's vanity pushes him on the brink of insanity. He finds himself so attractive that he wears a mask to protect his face, and to preserve his beauty. He also wields three long blades on his arm. So, who did they cast as Vega for this shit fest? Taboo, the short black guy from Black Eyed Peas, complete with Party City-esque blades and the personality of a wet mop.

I have to give credit where it is due, and Robin Shou as Chun-Li's master Gen works really well. In the few fights he has, you can tell he hasn't aged a bit since his glory days as Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat and Chris Farley's brother in Beverly Hills Ninja. Sadly, he doesn't get much time to fight, because the movie thinks we give a shit about Chun-Li or Bison or any of the other misrepresented characters (I'm not even going to go into Charlie). But enough about the characters, let's look at the movie's core.

This movie could very well make history as being the first movie a blind person could go to. Chun-Li narrates every single goddamn thing she does. Her narration could be described as excruciating, if it weren't so laughable. Seriously, she narrates every little thing, including things that are blatantly occurring on the screen, as if she herself doesn't believe it until she hears herself. There's also this thing called the Order of the Web, and if you miss it the first time, have no fear: They only flashback to it thirty fucking times in the first half of the movie.

The movie is chock-full of entirely pointless scenes and dialogue, which if removed, would leave the movie with about a 40 minute running time, which would be much more forgivable then 95. Scenes like Chun-Li going clubbing to seduce Bison's cronies is not only pointless, but demeaning to the character. It practically screams "This is all that gamers want: bitches n' hoes n' pointless action scenes!", which isn't true. The backstories that a lot of the other characters have in the game are actually really good, considering it's a fighting game. But going back to the movie, I can't tell if the makers were TRYING to completely ruin the name and reputation of gamers everywhere, or if they honestly have never heard of Street Fighter. I first started pondering this when different characters would pronounce a name differently. Some say it "Shadolao", others "Shadaloo", and I could have sworn I heard "Shadow Law". FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT. Take two minutes, get together, and Google that shit. The movie's got tons of unimportant moments, but I can't very well spend this whole time describing 55 minutes' worth of unimpressive awkwardness.


I'm going to do you a favor, and show you the only good thing about this movie:



Why is this the only good thing? Because A) It looks cool, B) Great cast, and C) It's not Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li. Those two minutes were more enjoyable than the entire SF movie, and that's pretty pathetic when you keep in mind that they're actually TRYING.

The movie ends with promises of a sequel and mentioning Ryu's name (another thing no one seems to know how to say correctly). Hopefully the box office numbers and the nation's collected sound of uncomfortable groaning will deter them from doing it, or at the very very very least, hand if to a director who knows what he's doing, and actually gives a shit. Because otherwise, I don't either.

Street Figher: The Legend of Chun-Li is a 1 out of 10. Now I only need a few more for my Top 10 Worst Films ever.

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February 21st, 2009

12:28 am: Who's all fired up???!! Not me.
Fired Up!
Directed by Will Gluck
Starring Nicholas D'Agosto, Eric Christian Olsen, Sarah Roemer, Molly Sims, Danneel Harris, Philip Baker Hall, Adhir Kalyan, Annalynne McCord, John Michael Higgins
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, partial nudity, language and some teen partying

Synopsis:
Shawn Colfax (Nicholas D'Agosto) and Nick Brady (Eric Christian Olsen), the stars of the Gerald R. Ford High School football team, are dreading the prospect of another summer at football camp. When Nick hatches a scheme for the two to join their school's cheerleaders at cheer camp instead, they find themselves awash in a sea of gorgeous young women. It all goes great until Shawn falls for Carly (Sarah Roemer), the beautiful head cheerleader who sees right through them.

Review:
A rookie mistake-in any field-is trying to do too many things at once. In the case of Fired Up!, it's more like they're trying to go two of everything at once. This creates conflict within the spirit of a movie, and the result is an audience that doesn't know how to feel about it. It stars two jock male characters, with a very jock idea of being surrounded by high school cheerleaders. But as the movie drags along one forced joke after the other, it becomes more and more a Bring It On wannabe then anything else. This is just one of the internal conflicts the movie has: It's about guys trying to score, so it's too masculine for girls, but it's drenched in cheerleading from head to toe, so it's too effeminate for guys. Going one way or the other would have been fine, but trying to do both at the same time just kills it. Movies about cheerleaders tend to attract high schoolers and 80-some guys to see it, both wanting the inevitable sex that is expected with sex comedies like this. What's wrong with that, you ask? Four syllables: PG-13. It's like watching Superbad on network television: All the good stuff cut out. There's kissing, a smidgen of nudity, and that's it, which is more than I bargained for, considering they're all in high school. Bringing me to my next point: Even if it WAS rated R, who wants to see underage sex? Not me personally, but even if you're into that kind of thing, Fired Up! fails to deliver, thanks to the aformentioned internal conflict number two. Even the casting has polar opposites. The two main guys have a 20 year difference between them, Olsen being in his early 30's, so any lines he has about high school girls being hot is just creepy and puts the whole theater in a state of awkwardness.

I could talk to you about the acting, the writing, and the plot, but let's be honest: What do you expect from this kind of movie? It's the same joke over and over again for an hour and a half, the writing is forced and unfunny, and the acting is bad. The writer, Freedom Jones, has never written a script before, and when you hear the quality of some of the lines, it's pretty obvious. If this is the worst movie that comes out all year though, then I consider myself lucky. I can't say too much more about the movie because I didn't finish it. I know, I know: "How can you review a movie you didn't finish??". Trust me when I say that with a movie like this, after you're 3/4 the way in, it's not going to go from Cats and Dogs status to Slumdog Millionare. Now granted, it wasn't THAT awful, I've seen way worse. It was just too "cheerleader-y", and if you've hit puberty, it will be for you too. But, if you're curious as to what American Pie would be like if it was PG-13, Fired Up! is the closest you're going to get.

Fired Up! is a 3 out of 10.

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12:25 am: Push
Push
Directed by Paul McGuigan.
Starring Chris Evans, Dakota Fanning, Camilla Belle, Djimon Hounsou, Maggie Siff, Scott Michael Campbell.
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, brief strong language, smoking and a scene of teen drinking.

Synopsis:
A riveting action-thriller, Push burrowsdeep into the deadly world of psychic espionage where artificiallyenhanced paranormal operatives have the ability to move objects with their minds, see the future, create new realities and kill without ever touching their victims. Against this setting, a young man and a teenage girl take on a clandestine agency in a race against time that will determine the future of civilization.

Review:
No matter how good a movie truly is, incorrect advertising can shatter the whole experience, and nowhere is that more apparent in the latest attempt to capitalize on the superhero genre (aka, Push).

Commercials and such display the movie as being non-stop action from start to finish, and with a movie about telekinetics, we would only expect as much. Sadly, I must warn you not to expect such things from Push. There is action to be had, but an inexperienced director lets the few action sequences present be dragged down by over-exposition and a clunky shooting style.

Chris Evans tries too hard to be a serious, and therefore possesses absolutely none of the charm that we remember from his portrayal of Johnny Storm in Fantastic 4. He's not terrible though, I'll take him over Christensen in Jumper anyday. Not only is his character portrayal bland, but his character isn't very good with his powers, as we see in his first adult scene where he can't even move a piece of dice over at will. Enter Fanning's character, Cassie, who can see and draw the future (is this Push or Heroes?). Her character's a breath of fresh air to the movie at this point, because she's everything Evan's character isn't: calm, confident, and well in-tuned with her ability. I am still very disturbed at her wearing a skirt THAT short though; she could have sued the cameraman for trying to sneak a peek. The true definition of "uncomfortable".

Belle's character is supposed to have a love interest with Evan's character, and it would be emberassing to watch it play out on screen if it wasn't so hilariously dumb. She's mad at him in one scene, the next she's totally okay with whatever the hell happened between them (never answered) and is making out. This could be described as "too much of a good thing"; both actors are good on their own, but sharing the same movie, they simply don't connect and/or feed off each other. Put simply, they have the emotional spark of an apple.

But this is a movie about psychics and superpowers, so how do the action scenes fair when all these gifted people come together? Weak, at best, would be the answer. The first scene features a sub-group of mutants called Bleeders (why 'Bleeders'? Again, never explained), who possess the ability to manipulate ultrasonic waves and air pressure. On paper, it sounds full of potential, but in execution in this particular film, it crumbles under its own self-induced hype. Fanning and Evan both bolt from the Bleeders because they're very powerful...but wait, they control sound, right? So unless you can run faster than the speed of sound, running isn't an option, you're going to have to fight. But this movie is far too concerned with looking up Fanning's skirt to be concerned with attention to detail, as the Bleeders send her flying towards the camera legs-first. UN-COMFORTABLE. It doesn't help that the Bleeders' scream isn't very loud, which seems to be a self-defeating effort if you ask me; if their scream can break glass and pop fish like balloons, why isn't it kindof hurting my ears? It just sounds like a guy screaming with a wave distortion effect thrown in.

About an hour later, we get our next action sequence, and at the exact same time, the entire movie as a whole decides to throw any common sense and believability out the window. As we see in the trailers, Evans' holds two guns behind him and has them float and cock as he moves them in the air; again, it sounds neat at first, but let me ask you: What does a psychic need guns for? If you're a psychic and you can move whatever you want, then you ARE a gun, and everything you see is your ammo. Enter Neil Jackson as Victor, a high-ranking Mover who just so happens to work for the baddies. This guy is everything we expected to see in the movie, roled all into one character. He does use guns, but when that doesn't work, he throws everything around at his foes, just like a telekinetic SHOULD do. But the movie presses on in ignoring its own credibility, with more power-jacked people with such fabulous sub-group names as "Wipers", "Stitches" and "Sniffs". The Bleeders return, and I absolutely MUST ask this question: If you're a Bleeder and you're going to sneak up on someone with the full intention of catching them off guard, and you are RIGHT outside their door...why the hell would you SCREAM for five solid seconds to break the doorknob?? It makes no sense whatsoever, especially since they have guns and are Asian, they could have shot the doorknob or just kicked it in.

The final action scene is very impressive, but by the time you finally get to it, it's tough to care, what with all the subplots, long dumb music overludes and uncomfortable pans of Fanning, good Lord, someone get her a REAL skirt. All-in-all, it isn't a bad movie-I still enjoyed myself. There is just tons of room for improvement, I would recommend you see it in full knowing that it's not perfect and not action-packed as it would have you believe. It leaves itself open for a sequel ("Push Harder"? "Shove"?), hopefully the director will start to give a crap about a franchise he himself is creating.

Push is a 6 out of 10. Could have been better, but at least it wasn't X-Men 3.

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January 23rd, 2009

01:52 pm: Let's bring back Beckinsale now...
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
Directed by Patrick Tatopoulos
Starring Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra
Rated R for bloody violence and some sexuality

Synopsis:
"Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" delves into the origins of the centuries-old blood feud between the aristocratic vampires, known as Death Dealers, and the barbaric Lycans (werewolves). A young Lycan, Lucian (Sheen), emerges as a powerful leader who rallies the werewolves to rise up against Viktor (Nighy), the cruel vampire king who has persecuted them for hundreds of years. Lucian is joined by his secret lover, the beautiful vampire Sonja (Mitra), in his battle to free the Lycans from their brutal enslavement.

Review:
I was surprised to find myself going to see this movie, a prequel to a series where we already know what's going to happen. It is exactly these type of pre/sequels that I don't like, because the installments so far tell you already what happens, and if you already know what happens, why pay almost $10 to be told something you already know? Well, in my case I paid nothing, so I figured I'd at least see if there was some good eye candy. I was equally surprised to find myself liking the movie more than I thought. It's still not great, but it has the best performances in the Underworld series so far.

From its first outset in 2003, the Underworld series has very much been a Romeo and Juliet with vampires and werewolves (aka Lycans). This latest addition makes an interesting move by skipping the meeting and falling in love, Twilight-esque courting process. This is a serious relationship after all-Lucian and Sonja have no time for such shenanigans. And unlike Twilight, there is actual feeling and passion between the two lovers, it can almost be described as palpable, given how overused many of their scenes and lines can be at times.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is most memorable for having the strongest cast of all the Underworld movies so far. There really isn't one actor who fails to uphold his or her character's role, they all either meet the standards the film demands or exceeds it. Mitra's Sonja is not only a good physical replacement for Beckinsale, but a worthy replacement as a match for Lucian. Remember that huge black guy from the first Underworld, with the insanely deep voice that made the guy from 300 sound like a newborn kitten? He's back, but as a human.. And he goes fist-to-claw with a Lycan. Rare is it that a mortal man fights a werewolf with his bare fists, and manages to sell it as believable.

But as far as outdoing oneself in portraying a character, Nighy and Sheen are the obvious choice. Nighy's uncanny ability as an actor lends Viktor even more dimensions than we've seen thusfar. And Sheen tackles the role of Lycan savior with a savont's expertise. Having them share a scene together is a theater student's wet dream, as their suspicions leads to a bloody and savage end.

Visually, the movie gives a great feel for the atmosphere. However, you would think that if you were making a movie that depending largely on the beginnings of a war, you would remember that the fight scenes need to be at least ok. I think that the same guy who filmed the fight scenes in Batman Begins returned in Rise of the Lycans-because 80% of the time I couldn't see a damn thing. Most disappointing was a scene where the Lycans lay an ambush for human nobles. Lightning flashes, a cameraman on crack and a camera planted too close to the action resulting in a nearly dizzying experience. The final fight is just far away enough to we can see what's happening, but the choreography is obviously played down to Nighy's physical limitations. It's also very short.

All-in-all, it's much better than I wanted to give it credit for, making for a good movie overall.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is a 7 out of 10.

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January 17th, 2009

11:23 am: Live action Cowboy Bebop...
20th Century Fox (you know, the dillholes responsible for delaying Watchmen and fucking up Dragonball) are bringing the anime series Cowboy Bebop into live-action form, with Keanu Reeves attached to star as Spike Spiegel.

....


Current Mood: angryangry

January 14th, 2009

03:26 am: Feast
My first 5 Second Movie! :D

A 5 second movie is a quick sum-up of an entire movie-it can be satirical, or honest; some highlight the one part of the movie everyone remembers. With that said, I did Feast for my first one.

Spoiler alert: There is humping. Those with weak stomachs shouldn't watch. Wait 'till next week when I do my next one.



Current Mood: tiredtired
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January 10th, 2009

02:02 am: Probably old news by now, but just in case:
transformers 2 teaser

Current Mood: excitedexcited
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December 21st, 2008

08:26 pm: Ba-humbug
I'm done with snow.

Current Mood: coldcold
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