Caleb

02:40 pm: Anyone who laughs is a communist
Haven't been on here in forever...apparently no one else either. haha well, what's new...what's new what's new.

I got a haircut, and she did a very good job. It would have been nice if she didn't jam the electric razor into the back of my neck, but hey. At least it looks nice.

We have new people at work, most of them seem cool. One girl didn't even show up for her first day, cuz' she quit. Waste of time, she was.

I need one more actor, and we can start shooting Death Note, and I am beyond excited. The website construction has suffered a little obstacle, so it won't be up as quickly as I'd hoped. But I decided to start shooting asap regardless of the website status, rather than wait for the website to be up for a while before shooting. I figured if the site was up with a brief summary of what to expect and a big "Coming Soon" banner, it'd attract attention through word of mouth on the net while we shoot. But change of plans, right? Go with the flow, whatever gets this off the Notepad app and into live film. :) I've got my debt under control too, which is a relief.

Tia started watching Shippuuden, and she loves it. Good thing too, cuz that means more hanging out time before I move out. :D She went to State for her monologues, duo and group musical, and showcased in duo and group! She was pretty thrilled, despite coming home with a cold.

I finally got X-Box Live, after knocking our internet speed back to the stone age with my first attempt. It was more expensive, but it didn't do further damage to the computer and it was hella easy. Now if I could just figure out how to stream stuff on the computer through the 360 I'd be in business...

I need either a new job or a second job by summer. Seriously. Been here too long. If I'm still there by the time Transformers 2 comes out, I'm gonna blow my brains out.

The last couple of days have been really awesome weather-wise, it's really unbelievable. I hope it stays like this all summer long. :P

I've been having really effed up dreams. Some are more depressing then others, but none of them are too happy, and they're all confusing. Maybe I should get to bed sooner in the next couple of days.

Tags: update!

05:59 pm: Cat Shit One

01:16 pm: "Legend" my ass
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak
Starring Kristin Kreuk, Neal McDonough, Chris Klein, Michael Clarke Duncan, Taboo, Moon Bloodgood
Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence and martial arts action, and some sensuality

Synopsis:
Who gives a shit.


Review:
I thought I had seen it all. Potatoes chips being eaten to opera, tap dancing on DDR, and an eagle throwing a goat. I don't claim to know everything. But I know what's right and wrong. And what is wrong in the world today was somehow managed to be compressed into a 95 minute shit storm. More commonly known as, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.

Those who stand for anti-gun laws may find a new enemy in this newest videogame rape to hit the silver screen. I say this because it's so bad, it just might inspire Congress to legalize guns in movie theaters so you can blow your brains out. Like a failed offspring sullying its family name, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li's only success is in lowering the expectations of videogame movies even lower, which previously was thought to be impossible. It's definitely not the movie Street Fighter fans have been clamoring for, but maybe that's because Street Fighter fans haven't really been clamoring for a movie.

The story, or some resemblance thereof, is based around the character Chun-Li from the videogame Street Fighter. And already, off on the wrong foot. Some people jump to conclusions and assume that I meant the gender part, when actually the problem is the character itself. Chun-Li has no backstory, she's a detective tracking down an underground criminal known as Bison. That's all, and if it weren't for her investigation, we would have never met the main characters of the franchise, Ryu and Ken. Making a movie about Chun-Li is almost like making a movie about Pac-Man, that's how little a story there was to begin with. So why is there a story at all in THIS movie?

Well, as the movie plods along, we find out that this Chun-Li is actually a musician, and she's tracking down Bison for killing her dad. It was at this moment, that I realized just how bad this movie was going to be, which is ironic, because I had that same realization every 5 minutes. 95 minute running time / 5 minutes = 19 ball-busting realizations! There should be a health warning before the movie starts.

So not only is Chun-Li cast wrong, but so is Bison, the main villain. Instead of a GIGANTIC lumbering man with psychic abilities, he's a teeny little guy who barely fights at all, and is apparently Irish now. If you're still reading at this point, let me tell you, it's a lot harder to watch this thing in motion.

The movie then introduces Michael Clark Duncan as Balrog, who unlike the rest of his cast, physically fits the role of Bison's bodyguard. The writers decided to have him in the back of the production unfortunately, as he shows up only to beat the crap out of the good guys. Bison's other bodyguard is the polar opposite: Not well casted OR portrayed, and given more screentime than (this version of) the character deserves. I am of course talking about Vega. This version of Vega is the middle finger to fans of the game. In the game, Vega was a tall blond Spaniard, who's vanity pushes him on the brink of insanity. He finds himself so attractive that he wears a mask to protect his face, and to preserve his beauty. He also wields three long blades on his arm. So, who did they cast as Vega for this shit fest? Taboo, the short black guy from Black Eyed Peas, complete with Party City-esque blades and the personality of a wet mop.

I have to give credit where it is due, and Robin Shou as Chun-Li's master Gen works really well. In the few fights he has, you can tell he hasn't aged a bit since his glory days as Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat and Chris Farley's brother in Beverly Hills Ninja. Sadly, he doesn't get much time to fight, because the movie thinks we give a shit about Chun-Li or Bison or any of the other misrepresented characters (I'm not even going to go into Charlie). But enough about the characters, let's look at the movie's core.

This movie could very well make history as being the first movie a blind person could go to. Chun-Li narrates every single goddamn thing she does. Her narration could be described as excruciating, if it weren't so laughable. Seriously, she narrates every little thing, including things that are blatantly occurring on the screen, as if she herself doesn't believe it until she hears herself. There's also this thing called the Order of the Web, and if you miss it the first time, have no fear: They only flashback to it thirty fucking times in the first half of the movie.

The movie is chock-full of entirely pointless scenes and dialogue, which if removed, would leave the movie with about a 40 minute running time, which would be much more forgivable then 95. Scenes like Chun-Li going clubbing to seduce Bison's cronies is not only pointless, but demeaning to the character. It practically screams "This is all that gamers want: bitches n' hoes n' pointless action scenes!", which isn't true. The backstories that a lot of the other characters have in the game are actually really good, considering it's a fighting game. But going back to the movie, I can't tell if the makers were TRYING to completely ruin the name and reputation of gamers everywhere, or if they honestly have never heard of Street Fighter. I first started pondering this when different characters would pronounce a name differently. Some say it "Shadolao", others "Shadaloo", and I could have sworn I heard "Shadow Law". FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT. Take two minutes, get together, and Google that shit. The movie's got tons of unimportant moments, but I can't very well spend this whole time describing 55 minutes' worth of unimpressive awkwardness.


I'm going to do you a favor, and show you the only good thing about this movie:



Why is this the only good thing? Because A) It looks cool, B) Great cast, and C) It's not Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li. Those two minutes were more enjoyable than the entire SF movie, and that's pretty pathetic when you keep in mind that they're actually TRYING.

The movie ends with promises of a sequel and mentioning Ryu's name (another thing no one seems to know how to say correctly). Hopefully the box office numbers and the nation's collected sound of uncomfortable groaning will deter them from doing it, or at the very very very least, hand if to a director who knows what he's doing, and actually gives a shit. Because otherwise, I don't either.

Street Figher: The Legend of Chun-Li is a 1 out of 10. Now I only need a few more for my Top 10 Worst Films ever.

Tags: legend of chun li review

12:28 am: Who's all fired up???!! Not me.
Fired Up!
Directed by Will Gluck
Starring Nicholas D'Agosto, Eric Christian Olsen, Sarah Roemer, Molly Sims, Danneel Harris, Philip Baker Hall, Adhir Kalyan, Annalynne McCord, John Michael Higgins
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, partial nudity, language and some teen partying

Synopsis:
Shawn Colfax (Nicholas D'Agosto) and Nick Brady (Eric Christian Olsen), the stars of the Gerald R. Ford High School football team, are dreading the prospect of another summer at football camp. When Nick hatches a scheme for the two to join their school's cheerleaders at cheer camp instead, they find themselves awash in a sea of gorgeous young women. It all goes great until Shawn falls for Carly (Sarah Roemer), the beautiful head cheerleader who sees right through them.

Review:
A rookie mistake-in any field-is trying to do too many things at once. In the case of Fired Up!, it's more like they're trying to go two of everything at once. This creates conflict within the spirit of a movie, and the result is an audience that doesn't know how to feel about it. It stars two jock male characters, with a very jock idea of being surrounded by high school cheerleaders. But as the movie drags along one forced joke after the other, it becomes more and more a Bring It On wannabe then anything else. This is just one of the internal conflicts the movie has: It's about guys trying to score, so it's too masculine for girls, but it's drenched in cheerleading from head to toe, so it's too effeminate for guys. Going one way or the other would have been fine, but trying to do both at the same time just kills it. Movies about cheerleaders tend to attract high schoolers and 80-some guys to see it, both wanting the inevitable sex that is expected with sex comedies like this. What's wrong with that, you ask? Four syllables: PG-13. It's like watching Superbad on network television: All the good stuff cut out. There's kissing, a smidgen of nudity, and that's it, which is more than I bargained for, considering they're all in high school. Bringing me to my next point: Even if it WAS rated R, who wants to see underage sex? Not me personally, but even if you're into that kind of thing, Fired Up! fails to deliver, thanks to the aformentioned internal conflict number two. Even the casting has polar opposites. The two main guys have a 20 year difference between them, Olsen being in his early 30's, so any lines he has about high school girls being hot is just creepy and puts the whole theater in a state of awkwardness.

I could talk to you about the acting, the writing, and the plot, but let's be honest: What do you expect from this kind of movie? It's the same joke over and over again for an hour and a half, the writing is forced and unfunny, and the acting is bad. The writer, Freedom Jones, has never written a script before, and when you hear the quality of some of the lines, it's pretty obvious. If this is the worst movie that comes out all year though, then I consider myself lucky. I can't say too much more about the movie because I didn't finish it. I know, I know: "How can you review a movie you didn't finish??". Trust me when I say that with a movie like this, after you're 3/4 the way in, it's not going to go from Cats and Dogs status to Slumdog Millionare. Now granted, it wasn't THAT awful, I've seen way worse. It was just too "cheerleader-y", and if you've hit puberty, it will be for you too. But, if you're curious as to what American Pie would be like if it was PG-13, Fired Up! is the closest you're going to get.

Fired Up! is a 3 out of 10.

Tags: fired up! review

12:25 am: Push
Push
Directed by Paul McGuigan.
Starring Chris Evans, Dakota Fanning, Camilla Belle, Djimon Hounsou, Maggie Siff, Scott Michael Campbell.
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, brief strong language, smoking and a scene of teen drinking.

Synopsis:
A riveting action-thriller, Push burrowsdeep into the deadly world of psychic espionage where artificiallyenhanced paranormal operatives have the ability to move objects with their minds, see the future, create new realities and kill without ever touching their victims. Against this setting, a young man and a teenage girl take on a clandestine agency in a race against time that will determine the future of civilization.

Review:
No matter how good a movie truly is, incorrect advertising can shatter the whole experience, and nowhere is that more apparent in the latest attempt to capitalize on the superhero genre (aka, Push).

Commercials and such display the movie as being non-stop action from start to finish, and with a movie about telekinetics, we would only expect as much. Sadly, I must warn you not to expect such things from Push. There is action to be had, but an inexperienced director lets the few action sequences present be dragged down by over-exposition and a clunky shooting style.

Chris Evans tries too hard to be a serious, and therefore possesses absolutely none of the charm that we remember from his portrayal of Johnny Storm in Fantastic 4. He's not terrible though, I'll take him over Christensen in Jumper anyday. Not only is his character portrayal bland, but his character isn't very good with his powers, as we see in his first adult scene where he can't even move a piece of dice over at will. Enter Fanning's character, Cassie, who can see and draw the future (is this Push or Heroes?). Her character's a breath of fresh air to the movie at this point, because she's everything Evan's character isn't: calm, confident, and well in-tuned with her ability. I am still very disturbed at her wearing a skirt THAT short though; she could have sued the cameraman for trying to sneak a peek. The true definition of "uncomfortable".

Belle's character is supposed to have a love interest with Evan's character, and it would be emberassing to watch it play out on screen if it wasn't so hilariously dumb. She's mad at him in one scene, the next she's totally okay with whatever the hell happened between them (never answered) and is making out. This could be described as "too much of a good thing"; both actors are good on their own, but sharing the same movie, they simply don't connect and/or feed off each other. Put simply, they have the emotional spark of an apple.

But this is a movie about psychics and superpowers, so how do the action scenes fair when all these gifted people come together? Weak, at best, would be the answer. The first scene features a sub-group of mutants called Bleeders (why 'Bleeders'? Again, never explained), who possess the ability to manipulate ultrasonic waves and air pressure. On paper, it sounds full of potential, but in execution in this particular film, it crumbles under its own self-induced hype. Fanning and Evan both bolt from the Bleeders because they're very powerful...but wait, they control sound, right? So unless you can run faster than the speed of sound, running isn't an option, you're going to have to fight. But this movie is far too concerned with looking up Fanning's skirt to be concerned with attention to detail, as the Bleeders send her flying towards the camera legs-first. UN-COMFORTABLE. It doesn't help that the Bleeders' scream isn't very loud, which seems to be a self-defeating effort if you ask me; if their scream can break glass and pop fish like balloons, why isn't it kindof hurting my ears? It just sounds like a guy screaming with a wave distortion effect thrown in.

About an hour later, we get our next action sequence, and at the exact same time, the entire movie as a whole decides to throw any common sense and believability out the window. As we see in the trailers, Evans' holds two guns behind him and has them float and cock as he moves them in the air; again, it sounds neat at first, but let me ask you: What does a psychic need guns for? If you're a psychic and you can move whatever you want, then you ARE a gun, and everything you see is your ammo. Enter Neil Jackson as Victor, a high-ranking Mover who just so happens to work for the baddies. This guy is everything we expected to see in the movie, roled all into one character. He does use guns, but when that doesn't work, he throws everything around at his foes, just like a telekinetic SHOULD do. But the movie presses on in ignoring its own credibility, with more power-jacked people with such fabulous sub-group names as "Wipers", "Stitches" and "Sniffs". The Bleeders return, and I absolutely MUST ask this question: If you're a Bleeder and you're going to sneak up on someone with the full intention of catching them off guard, and you are RIGHT outside their door...why the hell would you SCREAM for five solid seconds to break the doorknob?? It makes no sense whatsoever, especially since they have guns and are Asian, they could have shot the doorknob or just kicked it in.

The final action scene is very impressive, but by the time you finally get to it, it's tough to care, what with all the subplots, long dumb music overludes and uncomfortable pans of Fanning, good Lord, someone get her a REAL skirt. All-in-all, it isn't a bad movie-I still enjoyed myself. There is just tons of room for improvement, I would recommend you see it in full knowing that it's not perfect and not action-packed as it would have you believe. It leaves itself open for a sequel ("Push Harder"? "Shove"?), hopefully the director will start to give a crap about a franchise he himself is creating.

Push is a 6 out of 10. Could have been better, but at least it wasn't X-Men 3.

Tags: push review

01:52 pm: Let's bring back Beckinsale now...
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
Directed by Patrick Tatopoulos
Starring Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra
Rated R for bloody violence and some sexuality

Synopsis:
"Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" delves into the origins of the centuries-old blood feud between the aristocratic vampires, known as Death Dealers, and the barbaric Lycans (werewolves). A young Lycan, Lucian (Sheen), emerges as a powerful leader who rallies the werewolves to rise up against Viktor (Nighy), the cruel vampire king who has persecuted them for hundreds of years. Lucian is joined by his secret lover, the beautiful vampire Sonja (Mitra), in his battle to free the Lycans from their brutal enslavement.

Review:
I was surprised to find myself going to see this movie, a prequel to a series where we already know what's going to happen. It is exactly these type of pre/sequels that I don't like, because the installments so far tell you already what happens, and if you already know what happens, why pay almost $10 to be told something you already know? Well, in my case I paid nothing, so I figured I'd at least see if there was some good eye candy. I was equally surprised to find myself liking the movie more than I thought. It's still not great, but it has the best performances in the Underworld series so far.

From its first outset in 2003, the Underworld series has very much been a Romeo and Juliet with vampires and werewolves (aka Lycans). This latest addition makes an interesting move by skipping the meeting and falling in love, Twilight-esque courting process. This is a serious relationship after all-Lucian and Sonja have no time for such shenanigans. And unlike Twilight, there is actual feeling and passion between the two lovers, it can almost be described as palpable, given how overused many of their scenes and lines can be at times.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is most memorable for having the strongest cast of all the Underworld movies so far. There really isn't one actor who fails to uphold his or her character's role, they all either meet the standards the film demands or exceeds it. Mitra's Sonja is not only a good physical replacement for Beckinsale, but a worthy replacement as a match for Lucian. Remember that huge black guy from the first Underworld, with the insanely deep voice that made the guy from 300 sound like a newborn kitten? He's back, but as a human.. And he goes fist-to-claw with a Lycan. Rare is it that a mortal man fights a werewolf with his bare fists, and manages to sell it as believable.

But as far as outdoing oneself in portraying a character, Nighy and Sheen are the obvious choice. Nighy's uncanny ability as an actor lends Viktor even more dimensions than we've seen thusfar. And Sheen tackles the role of Lycan savior with a savont's expertise. Having them share a scene together is a theater student's wet dream, as their suspicions leads to a bloody and savage end.

Visually, the movie gives a great feel for the atmosphere. However, you would think that if you were making a movie that depending largely on the beginnings of a war, you would remember that the fight scenes need to be at least ok. I think that the same guy who filmed the fight scenes in Batman Begins returned in Rise of the Lycans-because 80% of the time I couldn't see a damn thing. Most disappointing was a scene where the Lycans lay an ambush for human nobles. Lightning flashes, a cameraman on crack and a camera planted too close to the action resulting in a nearly dizzying experience. The final fight is just far away enough to we can see what's happening, but the choreography is obviously played down to Nighy's physical limitations. It's also very short.

All-in-all, it's much better than I wanted to give it credit for, making for a good movie overall.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is a 7 out of 10.

Tags: underworld 3 review

11:23 am: Live action Cowboy Bebop...
20th Century Fox (you know, the dillholes responsible for delaying Watchmen and fucking up Dragonball) are bringing the anime series Cowboy Bebop into live-action form, with Keanu Reeves attached to star as Spike Spiegel.

....

03:26 am: Feast
My first 5 Second Movie! :D

A 5 second movie is a quick sum-up of an entire movie-it can be satirical, or honest; some highlight the one part of the movie everyone remembers. With that said, I did Feast for my first one.

Spoiler alert: There is humping. Those with weak stomachs shouldn't watch. Wait 'till next week when I do my next one.



Tags: 5 second movie

02:02 am: Probably old news by now, but just in case:


Tags: transformers 2 teaser

08:26 pm: Ba-humbug
I'm done with snow.

11:48 am: How to Stop a Sword with your Hands

05:24 pm: This made my day.


Tags: angeal and genesis vs. sephiroth

07:58 pm: I got 13

11:05 pm: What size is that suit?
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Directed by Scott Derrickson.
Starring Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Jaden Smith, John Cleese.
Rated PG-13 for some sci-fi disaster images and violence.

Synopsis:
The world panics when a giant glowing globe lands in the middle of New York's Central Park and its two inhabitants emerge as harbingers for the end of human life on earth. Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) is a peace-seeking being who looks like us and tries to reason with the inhabitants of earth, while his companion is prepared to defend his master and start the ball rolling on earth's eventual doom.

Review:
The opening to this movie drips with nostalgia; if the same opening had some film grain, dippy music and some scratchs on the film itself, it could pass for being straight out of the 1950's. Which works, because this is actually a remake of a 1950's scifi movie. And while The Day the Earth Stood Still isn't a perfect movie by any means, what it does manage to do is effectively carry the concepts from the 50's into the modern age. And it's not 100% drama either, they've found a satisfactory blend of CG FX moments and dramatic interaction.

Whenever Keanu Reeves is involved in a film, I end up on one of two sides of the fence: Side A, where I like the film but not Reeves, or Side B, where I don't like either. It isn't that he's bad at acting, it's simply that it's hard to believe that he's trying, it's just been Keanu Reeves playing Keanu Reeves all this time. That being said, The Day the Earth Stood Still is the first of its kind, where I enjoyed both Reeves and the movie itself. Why is this, did Keanu go the course of Jet Li and actually take an acting class? Not to my knowledge. He's perfect in this movie because, like Arnold as the T-100 Terminator, the role does not require the exhibition of any recognizably human traits. He's playing an alien negotiator, completely devoid of any emotion or facial expressions, it's just blocking and lines. And that's all he really knows how to do, so more power to Keanu for finally finding a role that plays to his...strengths.

I do have to say that the acting is probably the film's biggest drag. The scenes between Jaden and Reeves stand out in my mind as prime examples, they feel forced and incredibly strange (and when you're talking about a scifi movie, that's saying a lot). I also find it hard to buy that Conelly's character is ALWAYS in the right place at the right time, no one is that lucky.

The robot GORT (yes, that's it's name) provides almost all of the CG effects and excitement, and they're quite impressive. A lot of them were shown in the trailers, but you haven't seen everything. But bear in mind that isn't an action-packed, man vs. alien movie, it's not meant to be the next Transformers. The film prefers to avoid all the big-scale destruction of Independence Day and War of the Worlds, and instead opts towards the thoughtful exploration into why aliens might land on earth and pose a threat. And wouldn't you know it, you just might find yourself agreeing with the aliens.

It's not groundbreaking stuff, but I was impressed with how much it felt like an old 50's scifi movie. Going into it with low expectations, I walked out suprised. Maybe you should do the same, just to be safe. It is Keanu Reeves after all. Just don't expect it to be action-packed, this is a dramatic movie for sure.

The Day the Earth Stood Still is a 7.5 out of 10.

Tags: the day the earth stood still review

01:13 pm: (Insert vampire-sucking joke here)
Twilight
Directed by Catherine Hardwicke.
Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Justin Chon, Anna Kendrick, Rachelle Lefevre, Nikki Reed, Cam Cigandet, Michael Welch, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Jackson Rathbone.
Rated PG-13 for some violence and a scene of sensuality.


Synopsis:
After moving to Washington to live with her police chief father, Bella Swan (Stewart) tries to adjust to a new high school and her exceedingly strange lab partner Edward Cullen (Pattinson), who seems to be turned off by her. But in fact, he has a deep, dark secret...he's a vampire...who likes to play baseball.

Review:
I was already bewildered by how Twilight has become such a wide phenomenon, and now, the movie adaptation has arrived to add even more fog that already clouded me before. Women are smarter than men, and yet, there are far too many women that I've encountered that see this movie and describe it as the best movie ever, with no flaws whatsoever. Every movie has a flaw, and Twilight has enough for another set of Star Wars movies.

Instead of beating around the bush, Twilight gets right into the cliches, starting by ripping from the pilot of far too many teen-oriented TV dramas. Bella moves to a new neighborhood and tries to make new friends on her first day of school at the denizens of a local high school, all with drippy-dramatic narration. She doesn't really have to try, because within minutes of being there, the next three or four scenes are back-to-back of her making a new friend. But it's Edward that catches her eye, despite that he pushes her away and seems to have an orgasm sitting next to her (I'm not kidding, watch the scene where they first sit together in class). She digs into his past to find that he's....a vampire! Apparently, women think vampires are romantic. And don't worry, she only takes half the freacking movie to figure it out, by that point in the movie you can't help but wonder how no one else knows he's a vampire. In the meantime, he follows her shadow, staring and not saying much. Apparently, women think stalkers are romantic. But they're not normal vampires, because that would be BORING; so instead they have no fangs, act strange, glitter like sparkle in the sunlight and play baseball in thunderstorms. Yes, you read that right.

Part of the issue lies in the weak casting, Kristen Stewart is ok but it's Pattinson that seems really out of place, wit hints of his accent left every now and then. I don't know who thought Cedric Diggory could play a leading man but they were obviously basing it off looks. Which I guess makes sense for a movie like this, which seems to be all surface and little depth. The two actors have very little chemistry, spending much of the movie acting awkward around each other, because after all, Edward can't be in love with a human; that would be like a guy falling in love with a hamburger. But watching an hour and some-odd minutes of two people being awkward isn't my idea of fun.

Moving on with the casting, all the supporters suck (haha), with Eric and Angela taking the cake. Bella's dad did manage to get some genuine laughs out of me. The runner-up for worst acted role and 1st place for most pointless villain goes to Cigandet, playing James, a vampire who sets his sites on Bella for.....some....reason. He's the Venom of Twilight, only gayer. The main antogonist, and it takes 90 minutes for him to be introduced, then they give the other characters dialogue to talk him up to get us to understand he's really powerful and evil...and then he's killed 15 minutes later. What is the point of even TRYING? If he plays that small a role, save him for the sequel, or introduce him sooner, or something. Not only is he a waste of time, but he's horrible portrayed, his half-ass mustache is pathetic.

Many women use the fighting and violence in the books as an excuse to try and rope in the male audience to picking up the series. But if the fighting in the books is anything like what I saw in the movie, not only will I avoid Twilight but I will burn every copy I see. Thankfully there aren't many action sequences (don't fall for studio's self-declaration of the movie being "action-packed"), but when they do start up, they can't end soon enough. The fault lies mostly in the sloppy wirework and poorly-executed time-lapsing FX to show Edward using his super speed. His super speed is super stupid, it's embarrassing how bad the scenes look considering the money at Hardwicke's disposal, especially when compared to films like "Kung Fu Hustle" which look amazing at a fraction of that cost. Actual fans of (real) vampire movies looking for any amount of blood-rending terror will be thoroughly disappointed by the innocuous way the violence is handled in the movie.

Essentially, the Twilight movie is a CW teen angst movie coupled with the intensity of Saved by the Bell. If you must see a vampire movie, skip this crap and go see "Let the Right One In" (if you can find it anywhere).

Twilight is a 3.5 out of 10.

Tags: twilight review

12:36 am: God, if you ever bestow upon me, a super power...
I would really, really prefer it isn't painting the future.

Seems whoever can do that gets shafted.

10:32 pm: Dark Knight being sued
There is an actual city called "Batman", in southeast Turkey. And Huseyin Kalkan, the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman, has accused the film's producers of using the city's name without permission.

"There is only one Batman in the world," Kalkan said. "The American producers used the name of our city without informing us."

The mayor is prepping a series of charges against Nolan and Warner Bros., including placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film's success has had on the city's inhabitants.

...
I have honestly never laughed my ass off, with rage. I'm infuriated that this case is actually being heard, and that this jackoff mayor takes advantage in hopes of making a quick buck, but at the same time, I'm so amused! I mean, look at the charges!! Blaming The Dark Knight-A FICTICIOUS FILM-for murders they couldn't solve. Not to mention that the movie made SO much money, women all over the place were commiting suicide. It's so stupid I just might get an anurism.
But um...in all seriousness...
Where the FUCK have they been for 70 years?!

The Dark Knight has made $997.6 million dollars, that's just $3 million dollars short of the $1 billion dollar mark. Aaaaaaall these years, these guys never said anything, but as soon as they saw the money that was being raked in, they suddenly take notice.

Funny how that works...
I hope they get laughed out of court.

11:18 pm: As long as there's Halloween, they'll keep coming.
Saw V
Directed by David Hackl.
Starring Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, Betsy Russell, Mark Rolston, Carlo Rota, Julie Benz, Greg Bryk, Laura Gordon, Meagan Good.
Rated R for sequences of grisly bloody violence and torture, language and brief nudity.

Synopsis:
In the fifth installment of the "Saw" franchise, Hoffman (Mandylor) is seemingly the last person alive to carry on the Jigsaw legacy. But when his secret is threatened, Hoffman must go on the hunt to eliminate all loose ends.

Review:
With each update to the Saw franchise, my expectations go lower and lower, and perhaps this is why I enjoy each end every one, even if sometimes it's more or less than the other movies. The past couple of years, when it gets to October and I start seeing Saw posters everywhere, I can't help but roll my eyes and sigh. Last year I was pleasantly suprised, and this year I was pleasantly entertained instead.

As the synopsis says, the character Hoffman is on the prowl to make sure his nightlife activities stay secret. All who know or who might know have already been silenced, save for Peter Strahm (Patterson), who brilliantly escapes his death trap and hits the ground running in proving Hoffman is Jigsaw. I do have to say that the method Strahm comes up with to escape his trap is ingenious, especially considering that there was no actual rules or tools to go with it. Meanwhile, there's a new game going on as five strangers (Benz, Rota, Gordon, Bryk, and Good) awaken in a room of deadly puzzles and are forced to figure out their commonality and how it has brought them together.

Like the previous films, both stories play out simultaneously. And this is the first thing that Saw V fails where all the other Saw films succeeded: There is never really an appropriate bridge between the two plots. The time between twin stories playing out in all the Saw films so far flowed very well, jumping back and forth without losing (too much of) their audience. Saw V's attempt, however, feels like two similar films were spliced together unnaturally (of course, this could just be setup for Saw VI). Mostly to blame for this irregular pacing is the five new characters. While it's a shame that the most irritating and least interesting of the five get more screentime, an even bigger shame is that none of the characters feel real. They feel tacked on, never really getting a chance to flesh out much of any back story. There's something about bad real estate, but it reaks of bullshit, and it's a shame because they're an unlikely and interesting group that would have benefited from a little more time exploring group dynamics. It's too bad, because visually, these are the best parts of the movie.

When the Saw series was young and in its prime, the traps had their own depth to them-they required horrific solutions obviously, but the traps themselves always bore some symbolism to the captor, they were a physical rendition of whatever plagued them and made them into who they are. Thus, becoming just as much a physical obstacle as an internal one. But as the series became older, I noticed something, something that simply can't be ignored in Saw V: The torture devices, once so fiendishly atuned to each offender, have become generic excuses to spatter gore simply for the sake of shock factor. All of the traps that the five strangers must go through are simply sick traps, and do not bear any personal connection to the characters. The true underlying message that goes with the five traps is also so painfully obvious that it almost feels like the directors and writers for the movie are talking down to you.

I don't like the new Jigsaw. Hoffman is a boring, dull, quiet character who bears no screen presence and inspires no emotional reaction from the audience, yawning aside. They attempt to flesh him out more, but it's nowhere nearly as epic as John Kramer's backstory. Tobin Bell dwarves any other person he shares a screen with, especially in this fifth installment. Tobin Bell's performance is always compelling, maybe even more so when he's talking to people who aren't stuck in Jigsaw's deathtraps. The acting is piss-poor for the most part, Bell aside.

I was also quite disappointed with the ending. The tagline for this movie is, "You won't believe how it ends". This is a series that has made its staple on plot twists and suprise endings. And before the movie is even released, they hype up the ending to be the best part. And is it? Of course not. The knowledge you gain in THIS ending, doesn't force any re-evaluation of the past events; instead, you just see and know a bit more about them. The only suprise in the ending is how open it's left open for Saw VI, which we already knew was being made a year ago. So literally, they tried to suprise us with something we're known for a year.

The one thing that Saw V did the best that the others didn't, was that it actually gave itself room for more sequels. It's as if the Saw team realized there's only so much they can do with what's been created so far. The other Saw films used the same materials, characters and events and either built off that or filled in blanks they left before. With Saw V, what they've done is purposefully created blanks that can be filled later and raised reasonable questions that can be easily answered with another inevitable five movies. Questions like:

-What was in Jill's box?

-Who wrote "I know who you are" to Hoffman?

-Will Dr. Gordon appear in Saw VI, or Saw: The Game?


I'm still very curious as to what the envelope in Saw III said, but that's just me. Though I have listed many more negatives than positives, I still enjoyed myself watching it. It's just made for fans, no one else. I just wish Hoffman and Stram didn't look so much alike.

Saw V is a 6.5 out of 10. If you're not into Saw, this won't convert you.

Tags: saw 5 review

09:35 pm: Now THAT'S more like it.
Deathnote II: The Last Name
Directed by Shusuke Kaneko.
Written by Tsugumi Ôba & Takeshi Obata.
Starring Tatsuya Fujiwara, Takeshi Kaga, Ken'ichi Matsuyama.
Not Rated.

Synopsis:
Picking up where the first one leaves off, Light joins the task force searching for Kira in an effort to avert suspicion from himself-and get rid of L.

Review:
Give up watching this movie if you have not seen the first movie, because it makes absolutely zero attempt to bring newcomers up to speed. And actually, that's a good thing, because if this movie were any longer, it would be unwatchable. Anime fans demand that every single little thing that was in the manga (Japanese for "comic") make it into the movie untouched, but no one wants to watch a 10 hour movie. It must be realized that things need to be condensed, and so long as they are not tampering with the intergal elements of the source material (of any adaptation, not just manga), the spirit of the source that you love will shine through for all to see. Deathnote II: The Last Name comes very close to doing this, stumbling a couple of times but picks itself up in time for a suprisingly touching ending.

As I mentioned before, this movie is quite long. It's actually longer than the first, and yet, not once did I yawn or look at the time, which I did a few times during the first one, thanks to the attention paid to the actual thrill of the manga/show in live action form. The first couple of scenes of the movie are so-so,it moves with a similar pace of the first movie. And perhaps that is a good thing, it gradually eases you into the pace and events of this secound outing.

As usual, the same voice actors from the show lended their talents to the movie. But within the first 5 minutes, I saw that one of the characters had a new voice this time. Anime fans all around me would curse and exclaim when so much as one word in a line of dialogue was different from the manga (a habit which frustrated me to no end). So of course, when the character Rem spoke and revealed a new voice actor, they exploded in anger. But they didn't notice how much of an improvement it was. Before, Rem sounded monotonous and bored all the time, and it was also painfully obvious that I was listening to a voice actor. But the movie-Rem sounds haunting in a Ceshire Cat kindof way, much more what I expected of a god of death. Not to mention that this new voice clears up any confusion I had about Rem's "gender". Moving on down the cast list, we arrive at the main protaganist/antagonist, Light. Even though the same actor does Light's voice, I still don't like Fujiwara much portraying Light himself. He's very one-dimensional in his face, and he's not nearly conniving enough to bring the role to life. He's too much of a goody-goody, it's almost impossible to take him seriously as the cold, calculating and emotionless Light Yagami. Even his sneer comes off as pretty boy-ish, rather than evil. Misa made me want to hang myself in the manga/show, she was so annoying. And the Misa in the movie is still naive, but thankfully, she's balanced the character to make her more believable.

The two performances that stood out were L and Ryuk. L's vocal tones, strange postures and movements, appearance, everything that was touched on in the first movie is a powerful foundation that Matsuyama uses to bring the character into multiple dimensions. All of his quirks and mannerisms breathe appropriate life into one of the most memorable manga/anime characters ever. The mask bit got honest laughs out of everyone in the theater. I must say however, that his powerufl sweet tooth seemed a little contrived, as opposed to the more matter-of-fact noshing done by the manga/anime character during his investigations. Ryuk the god of death also was a vast improvement, both visually and in terms of entertainment. While him and Rem still look like PS2 rejects, they look better than the first movie. And Ryuk has some great lines; even if they don't add much to his character, his character doesn't need any more sides. He just needs to bring a smile to you in each scene, and he succeeds.

I have read the manga and watched the show, so I was able to keep up, but for those who are unlike me, they may get a little lost concerning the number of Deathnotes. There's just way too many, 5 Deathnotes are tossed around in around 15-20 minutes. It's not impossible to lose track, but it's very easy. Had I not known anything about the show when I viewed these movies, I might have needed to really pay attention to make sure I didn't get lost.

Right from the get-go, the movie advertised new characters and a brand-new ending, so I don't know why all the anime fans (that I wanted to punch in the freacking FACE) around me were so explosive when something was different. The new ending completely wrote out two characters in the manga, Mello and Near. And I didn't think I'd say this, but that's actually a GOOD thing. Those characters resulted in a dreadfully boring and an atrocious ending to a fantastic series. With the removal of these characters, we're given something new, something that wasn't in the manga, but could have happened anyway. It was an intense ending, laced with the familiar "Oh sh*t! No way!" feeling and a story that was kept where it should've stayed. And whatsmore, it actually makes SENSE within the context of the show, as opposed to the original ending to the series, which is full of loopholes. The ending was also suprisingly touching, showing a glimmer of heart that you wouldn't expect from a movie based on a manga. It won't have you crying and weeping, but maybe you'll suprise yourself.

Deathnote II: The Last Name is a 7.5 out of 10. I can only pray the Hollywood version will be this good (but it probably won't be).



PS: What does Red Hot Chili Peppers have to do with Deathnote?

Tags: deathnote ii review

07:39 pm: Inevitable sequel will hopefully be R....and GOOD.
Max Payne
Directed by John Moore.
Written by Beau Thorne and Sam Lake.
Starring Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Ludacris.
Rated PG-13 for violence including intense shooting sequences, drug content, some sexuality and brief strong language.

Synopsis:
After the murder of his wife, child and partner, Detective Max Payne (Mark Wahlberg) gets involved in a case involving a drug being manufactured by the Aesir Corporation where his wife used to work; as the bodies start piling up, Payne finds himself the target of gangsters, assassins and the police alike.

Review:
One would hope that after having seen The Happening, Mark Wahlberg would be sure to put enough effort into his next film that we forgive him for the silly and snooze-inducing borefest of M. Night Shyamalan's newest (and hopefully last) film. Max Payne isn't so much an apology as it is an attempt at the sad doe-eyed, puppy-face look that oozes with fakery.

For starters, Max Payne is based on the videogame of the same name. If you didn't know that already, surely some doubts have already begun to be sown somewhere in your subconcious. The game was rated M, the videogame equivalent of an R rated film; in other words, if you don't like cursing, drugs, sex or violence, then don't play the game. The movie was first submitted to the MPAA and earned an R rating, which makes sense. But what DOESN'T make sense, is why the director went back, edited out everything that made it adult, and re-submitted it, this time getting a PG-13 rating. This means that much of the dark material that composes the equally dark world that Max Payne must live in, is left out. This is the first problem with the movie, and you don't even have to see the movie to know it.

The movie opens with Max Payne (Wahlberg) drifting down, deeper and deeper into ice water, with dead bodies waiting beneath him. We then time travel back two weeks to learn how he got there, and why. We are then introduced to several characters that fall into one of two categories:

A) I Don't Impact the Story in Any Real Way,
or
B) Good Luck Figuring Out Who or What I Am.

I'm serious, I've never had to ask myself "Who is this guy/girl supposed to be?" so many times in a movie before. Mona Sax (Kunis) is the sister of someone who got murdered, and Payne's wallet was found at the scene of the crime. THAT makes sense, but the film never cleared up who she was. Is she DEA? No, if so she wouldn't be associating with the lesser scum of the town and referring to the cops as a third party. Is she an assassin? She doesn't assassinate anyone though, and she carries an MP5 with her everywhere, one-handed I might add. There's a group of guys in leather coats walking across the street from Payne in one scene, but I still have no idea what purpose they served, why were they significant? Ludacris' character is an Infernal Affairs agent, and while that's made clear, he doesn't make any imprint at all on the other characters or the story. Beau Bridges is piss-poor as BB in the movie, if you can't figure out his character within the first few scenes you should be at home coloring. Chris O'Donnell's character had connection with the others around him, but he's more of a cameo than anything, and if you miss his confession, little of the movie will make sense to you. And I still have NO idea who the hell the woman in the limo is, they don't even attempt to explain that. There's two more I can think of that I could rag on, but for time's sake, let's move on.

Mark Wahlberg doesn't perform horribly as Max Payne, and he doesn't excel at it either. I would dare to say that he didn't act at all-he just recited his lines until Moore said cut and went home. And while that's not what a real actor does, it's a step up from his Razzie-worthy performance in The Happening. But saying that is like saying that putting a sprinkle on top of dog shit makes it better: Overall, it's still dog shit.

Sometimes a movie can take advantage of cliches to optimize the overall experience (Shoot Em Up, Scream, Doom, Speed Racer, etc), but if you're going to count on that, you need solid entertainment that will deliver to your audience. And sadly, that is the one thing that might have been able to save Max Payne from disaster, but isn't brought to fruition. The few action scenes in the movie are entertaining, but I count three off the top of my head, I'm fairly certain those were the only ones in the movie. One of them starts out neat, but then tramples into ridiculousness, because apparently the director used an Unlimited Ammo code for the scene. The second shoot out, involving Max and a shotgun, was probably the coolest part of the whole movie, but far too short. The third is so-so, with an anti-climactic ending, serving as a middle finger to all who sat through the mediocrity of the movie only to be left with "....that's it?".

As you may have noticed in the trailers, there is what appears to be angels/demons flying around in many of the scenes. I actually thought this was a paranormal touch to the movie when I saw the trailers, and while confused, I was optimistic. After all, I liked Constantine, maybe the action scenes would have some angels and demons fighting Payne. As it turns out, when you get down to it, the flying creatures have NO impact whatsoever on the story, other than as a hallucination. That's right, they're not even freacking real. So, hypothetically, if we were to estimate that it cost $5,000 for each scene these things are in, the movie spent about $70,000 more than it needed to. And that's just to give you an idea.

However, this wasn't the worst movie ever, and as a gamer, I saw several touches that put a smile on my face and made me hope that the movie would get better. Sound effects from the game were used in the movie, but probably my favorite was in a "fight" scene (more like "The camera's too close, back it up and let me see what the fuck is happening before I puke" scene) involving Max and Pointless Character #5. As badly as the scene was filmed, each time Max is hit the screen flashes red, indicating pain, just like in videogames in general.

While Iron Man and The Dark Knight have helped to improve the reputation of comic book films, videogame movies will have to wait a bit longer for the same treatment. Movies like Max Payne not only hinder that goal, but also makes the wait seem even longer.

Max Payne is a 4.5 out of 10. Looks just aren't enough.

Tags: max payne review